Monday, 8 November 2010

OMG: People in clans are just better. Fact.

While enjoying a little bit of online gaming, on Battlefield Bad Company 2 no less, I joined a little server just for some friendly competition. Immediately I noticed the opposing team was plastered with clan members… “Ah well” I thought, and carried on with the job at hand, until they started spouting Online Obscenities. You know the ones I mean! Uttering the unutterable “noob”!

And it was directed at me no less! How dare these rapscallions call me, a self-declared online veteran, a noob! If you want to glitch in a tree Sir, you shall be applauded with a rocket to the face. Where is the problem with that!? Albeit it’s a bit more extreme than “Eat lead”, more “Eat liquid fuelled ballistic missile!” (Rolls off the tongue too that does)

I tried to keep my cool, but the constant “noob” started to wear me thin and upset me a bit, there’s only so much a man can take! Game on then I thought!

I opened my veritable arsenal of weaponry and selected something that I thought would be slightly insulting to be killed with, yeh, that default weapon will do me fine, oh, and gimme that grenade launcher too. Sweet. I looked for my Gaming Bandana too, but remembered I’d yet to buy one, then thought I really shouldn’t. Don’t want to turn into German Gamer Kid.

Lock and load! …or at least the digital equivalent. Clutching a cigar between my teeth, and holding my right eyebrow up in a “Don’t mess with me” fashion, I scooted over to the frontline, and sure enough, I met the criminals that had tarred me with the noob-brush!

As you can guess, a lot of killing ensued. And the protagonist, the good guy, the big cheese, the oh-so-modest knight, came off top. That reference was of course to me, I didn’t want to over embellish my ability, makes me sound cocky. But yeh, I kicked ass.

But still, I was called a noob! What’s going on! I show them up, and I’m still ridiculed! Well, does this mean that I have to step it up even more? Okay then. Blam! Have that long range sniper headshot!

What!? That was skilful, borderline Godly! You dun know whatcha talkin’ bout boy!

It carried on, getting more and more personal, and the tactics were getting more tense. That whole clan stopped playing the game, just to hunt me! It’s not Pikey season! Leave me alone! But with every kill I got on them, it just wound them up even more, still painting me a “noob”

Then I had a revelation! Those who call people “noobs” are inherently, “noobs”! (Now don’t you go using my revelation against me, calling me a “noob” because I called a “noob” a “noob”, because then you’d be a “noob” too. Ha!)

Feeling smug about this, as well as a meaty 7.5 K/D I left the server. Happily a “noob”


  1. Hahaha, they were just upset that one factionless man could do better than their whole clan. Man VS Clan. If it rhymes, it's got to be good. I'm not currently up on the competitive FPS scene now, but back in the Half Life days it seemed civil enough. You'd have your jerks every so often, nothing too bad though. Maybe I just ran in the right crowds.

  2. I've not played BC2 myself but it doesn't sound as friendly as the TF2 "scene"

    I've always been more comfortable playing single-player story based FPS's myself, Pikey however likes to hurt people :P

  3. "Pikey however likes to hurt people"

    I refer to it as a "A Good Schooling in FPS" myself, haha